Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Did someone turn the light out in this tunnel?

I haven't updated Amelia's blog in more than a week because I 1) haven't had a spare second and 2) have been too down.

The very day that I posted last, Amelia began showing signs of reflux again. They came on slowly each day until she was screaming at every feed again. Again. We immediately switched her back to a full dose of Prevacid since we'd been giving her two half-doses for the past 10 days. Within 24 hours, she was suffering from extreme insomnia again. She was awake for 17 hours last Tuesday, screaming for about 5 or so of them. She doesn't sleep at all during the day and then wakes every couple of hours at night. It's not a normal baby-having-sleep-issues problem. She is so exhausted that she has dark circles under her eyes and she is miserable. In a 24 hour span, she slept less than 6 hours total and only in 45 min increments. Her body reacts poorly to this medication--the medication that allows her to eat without pain.

All of last week went like this. Not only was she exhausted, but we were too. I was such a zombie that I wasn't eating enough, drinking enough water, and had mush for brains. In my exhaustion, I contracted Mastitis--a painful infection of the breast tissue. It came on suddenly on Friday afternoon, with my fever jumping to 103.4 in an hour and a half. I was shivering uncontrollably, could barely walk, and felt pain throughout my body. Thankfully, the Urgent Care clinic gave me an antibiotic shot rather than admitting me to the hospital. In any case, the best treatment of mastitis is bedrest, which I could ill afford. We made it through the weekend with Justin essentially taking care of all of us and me trying to sleep at least a couple hours here and there.

And here we are today. Our pediatrician, Dr. Emge now calls us on her own time from home and without us prompting. We are going to try new meds soon and go from there. Even Dr. Emge no longer says "It will get better soon" like she used to. I think we are all stumped and frustrated.

I always try to post with positivity because I know that our loved ones are just waiting for good news, but the truth is that we are struggling, all of us. This is the hardest time of my life and there is no end in sight. I feel my friends fading into the shadows with more and more unreturned messages and a lack of understanding. My work is nowhere in my consciousness, even though I love it. There is eternal guilt between Justin and I as he has to work all day and come home to a crisis--that is, when he can actually go to work for a full day--and I know he feels terrible leaving me home alone each day with no rest and more of the same. I can never go anywhere because no two days are alike or predictable or easy. I barely get to shower, much less nap or catch up with life on the outside--which is exactly as it feels, outside and nowhere near here. It's hard. And there isn't a lot of positive spin to put on it at the moment, even though I know everyone wants to hear it. But this is our truth/reality. Of course we have moments of pure joy in our house and we adore our daughter in a way that is indescribable, but parenthood in general is failing us. Or maybe we're just failing at it. Either way, this is our update.

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