Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Random Thoughts

Everything is jumbled and fragmented and misguided in my brain right now.


I woke up yesterday morning, got Amelia ready for preschool, dropped her off, came home. Walked straight to bed and slept for 4 hours. Woke up feeling better but still drained. The flurry of activity that came in the last couple weeks has given way to complete and total exhaustion. At this point, I don’t do much besides being pregnant. Even getting dressed to sit in the pool seemed like a chore today. End stage.

Babygirl is running out of space. Every movement she makes hurts on my end and I can only imagine how it feels for her. Can she (we) make it two more weeks?

Sleeping at night is nearly impossible. Heartburn, sore hips, inflamed crotch (I’ll never get used to this truth), and bouts of cramps keep me up, tossing and turning. Oh and getting up to pee every couple hours. Holy crap! With Amelia, I got up once a night for the last couple months or so, but this baby is just crushing my bladder. I pee a couple drops, stand up and have to pee again. Sit, pee a couple drops. Repeat. It’s like having a UTI without the crazy burn, but with someone sitting on your crotch. Just moving into a different sleep position requires that I run to the bathroom. What the heck?

And every time I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I tread lightly fearing (anticipating) that my water will break.

Amelia is being a real trooper considering how cranky and impatient her mom is these days. Her forgiving and loving spirit makes the guilt that much worse.

We switched her preschool schedule to coincide with Justin’s work week. Her and I are alone on Sundays, but that’s it now. As sad as I am about losing another day with her, I know it’s for the better. Not only am I the mom I’d like to be right now anyway, but when the baby is here, it’ll be a necessity to have that time. I guess I’m most sad not for the days right now that I’m missing, but that our days of being together, just her and I, and off on summer adventures are over altogether. Though, in reality, they were gone a while ago since I don’t have a lot of energy to set off on adventures anyway.

I also think that if I go into labor while Justin’s working, I’d rather be alone than home with Amelia. I’m afraid of going into hard labor while trying to remain calm and focused and not scare her. So that was another reason to change her schedule.

But then I’m totally panicked that she’ll be in school when it happens and I won’t be able to see her before going to the hospital. I won’t be able to tell her that she’ll always be my first baby and that mama’s love won’t change with the new baby. What if something happens in surgery and I didn’t talk to her before I left?

I’ve decided that the very worst part of this whole pregnancy has been the asthma. Even beyond the at least 20 illnesses I’ve had since November, the asthma has made me sicker than anything and still is. I still wheeze until I puke at least once a week. The thought of getting this baby out AND catching my breath is just unfathomable.

Amelia’s new haircut is still taking my breath away. It reveals her face in such a delicate manner, allowing her natural beauty to shine. She’s just beautiful, that kid and I can’t decide if I adore that or fear it, but it’s inescapable at this point.

When Justin’s working, I miss him like crazy. Not just because of all the things he does around the house, but as my friend. I stay up way too late each night just to see and talk with him for a while. On his last night of work for the week, we usually stay up until 2 just catching up on the week. It feels so right when we’re all home together. It’s when I’m happiest.

I’ve gone through a marked shift in my thinking in the last couple weeks. My thoughts are focused more and more on Baby  than pregnancy and preparation. I keep thinking about seeing her face for the first time, smelling her little head, and just holding her on my chest. The fear and anticipation is slowly giving way to the excitement and anticipation.

I learned with Amelia that I’d rather be caring for a newborn than at end stage pregnancy any day. And the switch from one to another is very near.


Monica said...

Gena wrote: "I won’t be able to see her before going to the hospital. I won’t be able to tell her that she’ll always be my first baby and that mama’s love won’t change with the new baby. What if something happens in surgery and I didn’t talk to her before I left?"

Tell her everyday before she goes to school. It doesn't hurt anything, and then you'll feel better (??) knowing you did :)

Amelia said...

I tell her those things every night before bed. . . but there's something primal about seeing her before I head into surgery that is nagging my brain. We need a moment before it all goes down or I'll be a mess.

Monica said...

Let's hope it will be an IDEAL situation all around :)