Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Truth Is

All jokes and comments aside, the truth is that we knew we wanted another baby. As Amelia neared 2.5, and blossomed into the coolest little person, the light switch flipped on and I began to want another. Justin was already on board, largely for no other reason than he always planned on two children and only saw his future through that lens. This realization happened very quickly for me. I went from the “absolutely not. don’t even ASK about it” camp to “hey, wanna have another baby?” We talked about it and the rest goes like this.
Me: Just thinking about having another baby is making you look so hawt to me right now.
Him: Oh really, then let’s have another baby fer sher.
. . .

Next morning.
Yeah, I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to be pregnant. I really don’t want to wake up pregnant tomorrow. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Whoa. Um, seriously mixed signals here.
Let’s just talk about it for a while and maybe officially start trying next month. But I just can’t right now. I need some time to warm up to this whole thing. 
Oooooohhhhkaaay. You just let me know.

After this, I went to school and told my sisterfriend Megan that we were going to start trying in November to get pregnant again. I’m now so glad that I did because so many were shocked by our announcement later, that everyone assumed that it was an ‘accident.’ But there it was, out loud.
Meanwhile, over the next couple weeks, I made several jokes about being pregnant at home. Ohhh, I can’t do that because of the baby. Haha Justin said. Really funny. We only talked about it for a second. It so wouldn’t happen like that. It took two months of trying with Amelia and we were totally trying!
Fast forward two weeks.
Um Babe, can you pick up a test on your way home?
Why? Babe, you are NOT pregnant. We aren’t even trying until next month. But fine.
And then, exactly two weeks after we put the topic on the table, it was already decided. Turns out, it really does just take ONE time without protection. All those after-school specials were totally right! Good thing I paid attention to those things, knowing how stinking fertile I am now.

In any case, there was a lot of doubt about this pregnancy from the beginning. There is fear in the knowing second time around. I shook for three hours after finding out this time, whereas there was celebration all around when we found out the first time. Ahhhh naiveté is so warm and fuzzy. There were doubts about the timing—our house is for sale, a move imminent, and without a destination. The trauma and following diagnosis after Amelia’s birth of the bicornuate uterus put this heavy black cloud over the whole shabang this time around—we weren’t aware of any of this during the first pregnancy. So the fear was far greater, the anxiety level peaked with the appearance of that little pink line, and we have struggled a lot since.

However, the one thing we knew for sure was that we wanted another little person in our lives. That our family felt that it was missing a piece and Amelia’s tale was incomplete as an only child. Having passed through the fog of pregnancy, birth, and infancy and into toddlerhood, I’d come to realize that it all culminates in a whole person. A person who will only continue growing and changing and getting more amazing. Amelia’s third year woke me up to the joy of watching this little person develop into an independent little soul. One who truly only gets better with time. In short, I began to realize that the part of the process that I struggled with the most was a means to the end. If this little person is the end, the pregnancy/infancy phases are just the means to achieving the end. Once I got that, it was a no-brainer decision. The second kid? Definitely. Getting me to sign on to the process was the hard part. Turned out that there wasn’t much need for debate, which even at the time, I knew was a blessing. I could easily have thought my way out of the whole thing time and again, while taking my husband on the roller coaster with me.

Because it wasn’t completely mapped out like everything else in my life, I’ve been able to blame everything on Justin. I’ve been telling him that it’s all his fault. He saw the window open just a tiny crack and jumped right through it before it slammed shut! lol The best part is that he doesn’t even deny it, sneaky bastid. The truth is that I just suck at being pregnant and have only a terrible baby experience in my story that kept me hesitant.


In any case, the little baby on the way has been the only thing worth looking forward to for a while. And the vision of a house filled with the giggles and pitter-pattering feets of two conspiring kiddos is just . . . fantastic.

Little baby leg, ankle, and foot.
Sweet baby hand, in a fist, just about to touch the chin.

Whoa. Creepy 3D pic of face. lol  IMG_6807
And the very best part of ALL?!
I couldn’t have even dreamed of it. Didn’t even dare.

(And in case you’re wondering what you’re looking at: This is sideways, so turn your head and you’ll see that the arrow is pointing right at the clitoris and has labia on each side. It’s definitely a girl. I’ve checked and rechecked.)

And the crazy part?
She looks just like her big sister in profile.

(I can’t show A’s ultrasound pics because they were on film, but the profile is identical.)
And the truth is, nothing makes me happier than the thought of raising sisters. SISTERS. *tears*

1 comment:

Monica said...

We need more awesome females in the world ;) Hooray!!!! And...Congrats!