Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Every Day Is A Winding Road

We’ve been going through a tough time.  Haven’t posted about it a lot because things have been up in the air and stressful and mostly horrible. Nothing you want to just chat about really. But things are falling into place a bit more and the future is clearing a bit and we have a little more focus on what’s ahead.

With massive layoffs with the County and virtual gutting of education, our family has been hit several fold in the mismanagement of state funds, otherwise known as the California Budget Crisis.  And just our position in the generation placed us smack in the middle of the housing mess.  Losing a large portion of our income in the last year and half put us in the position to short sell our house.  Walking away from our beloved home wasn’t in our hearts as an option though we now can see that a foreclosure might have been a more direct solution. 

We put the house up for sale in August and proceeded with the paperwork nightmare that is required to communicate with the bank.  We made our home available to potential buyers and submitted the same private documents to the bank every damn week. After a few months, we received an offer and submitted everything again to the bank. And then submitted everything again. Oh and AGAIN. Until months had gone by, we’d seen an appraiser, and were at the end of the long, horrible process.  We stayed up all hours of the night trying to figure out whether we should just move now or wait for the deal to go through.  If we waited, we’d have to get word of final sale, find a house, and move our family within 30 days.

We decided to look for houses and to sign a lease if we found a home that worked. After you’ve owned a home and started a family, your requirements for a possible home are much more difficult to find in a rental.  We never planned on renting again and found ourselves at a disadvantage with 2 dogs and an expanding family.  We did find a house and decided to move in the middle of February.  Having the move ahead of us was stomach-turning, insomnia-inducing stress . . . BUT at least we saw an end in sight. Not a fabulous end, but finally a chance to start over and just . . . move on.  And then, after being jerked around by the bank and held in limbo for MONTHS, the buyers pulled out of the deal. So here we were, packing our house, lease signed, and no buyers.

We moved. The house is still for sale. We are still dealing with the asshole bank. We all shed tears leaving our house and are still finding our way through the emotional pain of leaving it. Our beautiful, amazing, and family-making house. During this time, I’ve been incredibly ill, visiting the doctor’s office every other week, and on more medications than I’ve ever taken in my life. Four rounds of antibiotics, a nasal steroid, asthma meds, inhaler, and allergy pills aside, I’m still not feeling well and have all about given up on doctors, medications, my own health, and any optimism altogether. Oh and there’s a baby on the way.  Going through all of this pregnant has only added an unthinkable burden, immeasurable guilt, and intense isolation.  Justin’s taken on a lot of the house business to relieve my stress, but that’s left a gap between us and me alone in this pregnancy. We’re both stressed and worried on our own and internalizing the pain in a way that is isolating and hurtful.  I’ve found myself constantly worried about the affects of my ill health—the most sick I’ve been in my life for the longest duration—and the continued medications on our second child. But the worst guilt comes from the well-wishers who constantly remind me to take care of myself and to not stress so much. Riddled with self-doubt, I can’t help but wonder how I can possibly take care of a fetus when I can’t take care of myself from one week to the next.

And then there’s Amelia. She’s our biggest source of concern of course. Displacing her has been our biggest worry. Keeping her life happy and carefree our top priority. Trying to soak in the last months of her as our only child is an absolute need.  She’s my own little light source right now. A ray of sunshine in a thick blanket of storms and gray. But she’s a lot of work too and taking care of her, while sick, while pregnant and in the middle of a throw-away semester is more than exhausting. And of course, being the imperfect mother that I am, is a constant source of guilt too.

Sometimes it’s too grown up.  There’s too many people needing me and us right now. And I’m just me. I have no idea what I’m doing or what the answers are. I don’t even know how to make myself healthy at this point. I have yet to make it through a day in 4 months without sticking my face in the toilet a few times!

This is easily the hardest time Justin and I have been through together, with exception only to Amelia’s horrendous newborn experience.  The sheer duration has dragged us down and as a friend said to me today, “I’m tired of living the shit half of my vows!” We knew there’d be times of poorer, sickness and worse days.  .  . but all at once?

On the flip side, we’ve relocated and moved into our new place. It’s not our house, but it’ll have to be our home for a bit.


Sara said...

You are a strong woman who will get through this. Do whatever feels right to take care of you and yours. Big hugs to you!

Monica said...


Zeba R. Hone said...

These tought times will eventually be just another chapter in this life of yours. When one door closes another really will open. Maybe not as soon as you'd like but it will. Keep that in mind...ALWAYS! You and Justin will remember these times and laugh about them one day, I just know it! Hang in there, G. xo